Today I was riding my bike along the highway. Everything seemed fine and dandy. I was enjoying my cruise in my business suit, my teeth clenching onto my briefcase for dear life, when suddenly a huge semi came out of nowhere--no-nowhere! Oh God, it was life changing!
I WILL COME BACK AND TELL THE RIVETING TALE OF HOW I ALMOST GOT CRUSHED BY THE SEMI TRUCK WHILE ENJOYING MY DAY.
Wednesday, December 21, 2011
A Little Conversation About Cutoffs
Micheal (to Tobias): Today there was an uprising. At work, my sister convinced all the employers to "fight for their right" and to go against "the establishment of the man" by not doing any work. She convinced everyone to just completely walk out, and--and just ruined everything! The whole day, ruined!
Tobias: That's pretty upsetting. But seriously, does my butt look fat in these jeans?
Michael: Those are cut-offs and--
Tobias: Do I look fat?
Michael (annoyed): You obviously understand my troubles right now with my wife--your sister.
Tobias: I'm bad at handling rowdy woman just like the next guy. Especially when she goes on about trying different positions.
Michael/Tobias: Not the problem--not at all, please stop wearing those God awful cutoffs/I mean seriously, I go one way, she goes the other. How can we ever have a compromise?
Tobias: That's pretty upsetting. But seriously, does my butt look fat in these jeans?
Michael: Those are cut-offs and--
Tobias: Do I look fat?
Michael (annoyed): You obviously understand my troubles right now with my wife--your sister.
Tobias: I'm bad at handling rowdy woman just like the next guy. Especially when she goes on about trying different positions.
Michael/Tobias: Not the problem--not at all, please stop wearing those God awful cutoffs/I mean seriously, I go one way, she goes the other. How can we ever have a compromise?
Tuesday, December 13, 2011
Why Athieism is the Best idea Ever
Today was very enlightening.
My brother Gob and I decided to go out to get ice cream, and a really funny thing happened. Actually no, it wasn't funny at all. It was horrifying. We were standing outside of the ice cream van and Gob noticed a church up the street. He claimed all the hotties go to church now, and he should get it in with Mary Magdalene and her heavenly escorts while he was still young. He's obviously been talking with mother way too much. So he ran off inside the church, and about five minutes later, he comes back over to me and says that he's got a hot date with a nun. I told him it's probably the complete opposite of that. He might end up having a hot date with Satan. Then Gob says that's more like hanging out with mom. I was inclined to agree.
The night of the date, Gob drags me along so I could get a "hottie" too even though I told him I was completely fine with dating someone who was not into the religious scene. So much tension with all that. I rather not get involved... but anyway, we're at the church, and it's very dark, and there's lots of singing. It kind of freaked me out, and Gob was so scared he held onto me for dear life. It was a bonding moment we had. In a church. (Laughs) Religion.
We find where the singing is coming from, and many people dressed in robes are in a room with all these brightly lit candles. They're all standing in a circle and the mood is so eerie, so still. I'm pretty sure Gob shit his pants right then and there. They all turn around and one of them asks, "What is that smell?" and they see Gob. One of the nuns---I'm guessing the "hottie" grabs Gob and pull him down on the floor, then she yells: "NOW!" Suddenly the priests began yelling things in foreign languages. Oh this one phrase stuck out to me, 'Exorcizamus te, omnis immundus spiritus!' That's when I knew they were trying to perform an exorcism.
All in all, we got out of the church in good time with hardly any brusies or scars. Except for this one on Gob's eyebrow, but it'll heal. He claims a candle burned him, but I'm pretty sure that nun slapped him when he attempted to grab her behind in the process of the exorcism.
Good times. Gob mistakes a date with a nun for an exorcism. Color me not surprised.
Wednesday, December 7, 2011
Magical Realism isn't for Children
Michael decides to give a monologue at his son's school to help fuel youths' creativity when it comes to the arts and business. He talks in Atlantic accent.* doesn't sit well with the audience.
"I remember when I was a wee lad. I would watch my father fight the pirates every night and never surrender. He would do fancy sword work and then glitters and elves would appear to help him spot their weaknesses. Then after my father conquered the pirates he would retire to the lion's den and celebrate for hours. They would feast on meat from the virgin zebras and only wear the finest animal print. Never settle for the less. I would join him and would drink potions and such that would make us grow tremendous length in hair and give us great strength, enough to wrestle three bears in an hours span! But later in life, I realized the fighting evil pirate life wasn't for me and I retired to The New World and followed my dreams... I became a lawyer. I took up the subject of maritime conflicts and I settle them with pure diplomacy and tact. And in my spare time I like to wear an eye patch and wrestle my brother Buster while reciting the first ten amendments of the constitution. It usually makes for a really good day."
* You know, a mixture of European and American accent.
"I remember when I was a wee lad. I would watch my father fight the pirates every night and never surrender. He would do fancy sword work and then glitters and elves would appear to help him spot their weaknesses. Then after my father conquered the pirates he would retire to the lion's den and celebrate for hours. They would feast on meat from the virgin zebras and only wear the finest animal print. Never settle for the less. I would join him and would drink potions and such that would make us grow tremendous length in hair and give us great strength, enough to wrestle three bears in an hours span! But later in life, I realized the fighting evil pirate life wasn't for me and I retired to The New World and followed my dreams... I became a lawyer. I took up the subject of maritime conflicts and I settle them with pure diplomacy and tact. And in my spare time I like to wear an eye patch and wrestle my brother Buster while reciting the first ten amendments of the constitution. It usually makes for a really good day."
* You know, a mixture of European and American accent.
Thursday, December 1, 2011
Family Ties
My relationship with my family is very complex, if you want to say so in the simplest of terms..
My relationship with my father is depressing since he’s constantly disinterested in me and always pitting me and my older brother, Gob against each other.
My brother Gob is a pretty temperamental since he's pursuing a career as a failed magician and strives for dad's attention--which he'll never get.
My relationship with my mother is strained, since my mother is the textbook definition of a sociopath and only cares about her reputation and money, which I constantly try to salvage for this family.
My relationship with my twin sister Lindsay is a bit more neutral, we get along more well together. Although Lindsay shares her mother’s lust for money and good reputation, she has much more empathy and humility, which helps bond us both.
My relationship with my youngest brother Buster is very… admirable, I'd like to say. I take care of my little brother and try to help him with his relationship problems. I'm a pretty good big brother to Buster and I sympathize with him the most.
My relationship with my son, George-Michael is also admirable. I try my best to be a good father and pay attention to my son, but there are times when some could say I'm a little overbearing or over speculating.
Not to forget, my sister's husband Tobias, my relationship with him is a little odd. Since I'm pretty sure he's gay... as in happy, of course, and likes to pretend he's a part of the blue man group. Also, he's an aspiring actor and no one has the heart to tell him he won't get far.
I try very hard to stay connected with my family and keep them together, even though there are times when I'd rather be far, far, far, far, far, oh so very very far away.
My relationship with my father is depressing since he’s constantly disinterested in me and always pitting me and my older brother, Gob against each other.
My brother Gob is a pretty temperamental since he's pursuing a career as a failed magician and strives for dad's attention--which he'll never get.
My relationship with my mother is strained, since my mother is the textbook definition of a sociopath and only cares about her reputation and money, which I constantly try to salvage for this family.
My relationship with my twin sister Lindsay is a bit more neutral, we get along more well together. Although Lindsay shares her mother’s lust for money and good reputation, she has much more empathy and humility, which helps bond us both.
My relationship with my youngest brother Buster is very… admirable, I'd like to say. I take care of my little brother and try to help him with his relationship problems. I'm a pretty good big brother to Buster and I sympathize with him the most.
My relationship with my son, George-Michael is also admirable. I try my best to be a good father and pay attention to my son, but there are times when some could say I'm a little overbearing or over speculating.
Not to forget, my sister's husband Tobias, my relationship with him is a little odd. Since I'm pretty sure he's gay... as in happy, of course, and likes to pretend he's a part of the blue man group. Also, he's an aspiring actor and no one has the heart to tell him he won't get far.
I try very hard to stay connected with my family and keep them together, even though there are times when I'd rather be far, far, far, far, far, oh so very very far away.
Accidently Deleted my About Me Section So I'm Posting it as a Blog!
I am a simple man, trying to get through life. I have a father who is the ex-CEO of a company now turned fugitive since he committed light treason. This effects my family tremendously because half of them are stupid. The other half are completely psychopathic. Well that's just my mother. Anyway, I have a loving son who I fully support. Other than that girlfriend Plant--Egg... who?
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